Chp1-Meeting men

I am dead ass afraid of being alone, that is one of my greatest fears in life. I sometimes wonders if i will ever find that person for that is for me. But seeing how things are I think such person is for those whose head is in la la world aka fairy tails. where the prince charming gallop on his white horse to save the beautiful blond princess from its evil step families. It make me very sad to know that will never be me. I need to pull my head out of the clouds and come to term in reality. No such things exist, not for the gays anyway. But you know something I wish so hard for it to happen to me. I don't want to be that donzal in distress or anything like that. But i just wish that that one guy will be mine for me to love and to love me. That one for me to fight with, to laugh with, and to even shed tears for. It may sound cliche but I do. I want the whole package. But you know how it is, its never going to be like that. I am probably going to grow old by myself, never having the chance of experience that tears dropping love, romance. I cut myself to short. The more I think about it the more it sadden me.
Meeting men were never an easy task. The gay community is very shallow....Men are very shallow. It is not about personality, its about physics. If your not packing the LL cool J look or the Jim Jone thugs swagger appeals then your not making the list. You can say I learned that the hard way. Of course you had these so call "oh that does not interest me" guys who sound sincere and really good when really they are full of shit. I met a few, I got stories. There are a lot of them who are as confuse to what they want. Their confusion lead to desperation, which lead to fear of being them self and being accepted in this world. My friend tells me " you don't go to clubs to meet guys, you meet guys at a library or bookstore or some hetero ways". Inside I laught because not every guys is gay, 1 out of 10 is gay (not my statistic by the way), just saying. Gay clubs are the only ways to meet that guys or you know...these sites....these site made for gay male to meet, and hook up.
Meeting a guy from my experience can only be for one reason, sex, fuck, coin, anal, what ever you want to call it. That is where we sell out soul to in finding that rite person. No gay man want to be in relationship, for the most part some have accept the fact that they will grow old by they loneself. Some don't even care if all they do their life time is hook-up. It is like a drug, it is addicted, once you start you want more, and more and more until you overdose.
Overdosing resulting in HIV, AIDS, STD and Is. Sex is the only escape from the harsh reality that you might never bare sons or daughters and if you do it was before hand. For that one moment you meet this stranger, you feel connected, you feel this fake bond of what the both of you wants, you walk along side of each other, talking, smiling laughing, leaving behind everything. Your walking reach the house, kiss, touch, hug, for that one moment in time you honestly said he could have been yours. Your ask yourself why are we doing this? why can't we truly love each other? after 30 min you both take your seperate ways and never sees each other again. Its like that sometimes, often times.
Meeting men is not easy. Not talking on the behalf of the gay community but on myself from observation, from friends from experience. We know what we want but its never going to happen. never say never.