big fish in a petit pond

On Tuesday January 12 I was fired from my job. What made my termination heart wrenching were the reasons for my termination and the aftermath. I was accused of theft for something I found or more like of something the guest left behind, and me not knowing the policies, used it thinking it was not theft. I had to pay the amount which was not a great amount and then I was told I was forever ban from coming back and if I were to return I would be arrested for trespassing. I was shock. For some reasons being accused of theft is one thing but being ban for life wow. I’d really felt like a criminal the moment I heard I was ban. Such is life.

On the same day in the upcoming hr my country Haiti was struck with a 7.0 earthquake. The country’s worst natural disaster recorded. Here I was contemplated on my worst day of my life when people back home were having an even greater degree of worst day of their lives. The loss of lives and livelihood, all gone within 30 second shake of the earth that caused so much catastrophic so much anger and despair. Haitian and American from the US worrying and having panic attack for the lost of their love ones.

Suddenly my big, bad, day suddenly turned small, petit nothing while the entire world watches what was happening in Haiti. I did not want it to be us, why did it have to be us? We already have nothing, poorest of all poor lacking of morals and justice. Why could it have been Jamaica or Trinidad or some other country people of the world actually know and can actually feel sorry it happen to them because they are good people. I watch in terror and in anger, as rubles upon rubles of houses businesses, school pile each other like flat pancakes and the national palace where the president lives fallen to the ground and the cathedral where the people pray to the ground. I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to feel. Are we being punish for something that we did? Maybe if so may God have mercy on the souls of the departed and the livings?

I feel embarrass as the world come to our aid, we have nothing to defend ourselves, no national polices but thugs roaming the streets with machetes and guns they stolen by which is showing support by a corrupt government. The world is watching how we are not civilized, fighting for food, water, cloths. The bodies of the dead lying on the street like they were mountains of garbage, no cares, no way of telling who have died, hospital disorganized, it just kills me.

Photos flashes in my face of my people in need, their lives being capture like art to be put on wall and be examine by boogie folks in their art studio(s). It gotten on my nerve each time I opened my internet browser. It sicken me, each image reminds me how useless, and unemotional I was about this event and being in my house, giving cash, sending prayers, and hope was not the way I wanted to help. People was evacuating living the country, lucky for them they had another country to go to while those who dint stayed behind and died, cowards. They use and abuse and when things get worst they leave. I would not have leave but stay and rebuild and remake what once better and greater. But instead they flee leaving behind the hopeless. Lucky for them they have another place to call home. I am all emotions.

Being in denial is an ugly thing. I suppress my feelings so I can be strong for what is going on. I wish people would stop asking if my families are all right but I know it is because they are concerned. I don’t want to panic, nor do I want to be afraid of what might happen next. I don’t want to watch the news of what is going but I see myself fixate in front of the TV. But I try I am trying hard but from time to time I slip into those moments where am like damn what the fuck is going on. But what I do but watch and send more cash.