beatiful dead flower

Today I woke up not knowing I was going to have a bad day. It started good. I went to the gym, worked my legs and ass. I saw this dude that am crushing on. I named him Kevin, why Kevin, I don’t know. He looks like a Kevin or a Shawn or whatever. Anyhow, I worked out with one of my friend Mark. He is straight. Then after I was done I left and went home and after that my day changed.

I have no job and being home is getting on my nerve. I hate hearing my mother complains as if I ask her to do anything for me. She’s working out she’s complaining, she’s taking a shit she complaining, I wonder when she’s getting fuck if she also complained but anyway she is a mess a hot mess. I needed to give her some space. Her constant bickering and yelling after my sister, who stay lock in her room, and my brother.

This no job no money in my pocket thing is running thin. I Spent hrs and hrs pampering my resume, going over resume books adding worlds and lines. After a while I needed to get out of my house. I called one of my friend Drew to find out what he’s doing, no answer, txt another, looking for apt so the next time was to go to the mall and try to return this suit that I bought, anything to get me out of my house. So I hurried-up put my clothes on, grab the stupid bag and head out the door.

I almost missed the bus; it would have been a pain to wait for another. Hop on and took a seat on the far back. As the bus departs I was at peace, fresh air, seeing faces, especially of this young little thug who was sitting across for me. He made the bus ride bearable.

While sitting across this young pretty little thug, I could not help thinking of the reasons why I was being so depressed. It came clear to me that I was angry, upset, frustrates. Why is it so freaking hard to find a job? Whit in moment I ask myself why do I have to beg for a good dick? Why is it hard to find a good man? Fuck it was hard just to be me right now, gay, jobless, and feeling oppress.

It came to me that I was mad at one of my associate, a term I hate to use. I no longer call her friend, but an associate. Her association with me was we went to the same college/university and back then I thought I had a friend in her. Anyhow, what made me angry or upset about her was that I was jealous of her success. A year after I graduated I left her to finish up her degree, she graduate a semester after me. She was successful in finding a job right after she graduated which was last December and already on her second promotion while I on the other hand was still scraping for a job. And what made matter worst was she found it on Craig list.

How was she able to find a job with a nice title so fast she barely did shit while back in college? I was the one with a job building up experience, I was the one involve in organization where I was president developing leadership skills and what did she have that I did not have. The more I thought about it, the more it was getting to me and the deeper my sadness was getting. Luckily the bus had gotten to the mall and I had my chance to walk and see things and clear my mind even more.

I brought the suit at H+M so I try to return it and get some store credit, unfortunately it did not happen, the current selling price was not the same price of when I first purchase it. In saying I would be losing $40 and with money so tight as it is I decided to keep it, even when it was 1 size to big for me. I was walking around and it bother me that I could not buy anything, things were on sale and there were few items I would look real good on but could simply not afford it so to my bag and headed back home.

As I was walking home I got a text from this guy I was supposed to meet, not for sex but for a foot rub. He has a foot fetish and wanted to suck on my toe like we had done on the past. I told him I couldn’t because I was depress. He was very sweet about it. He is a sweet guy so us not meeting was not a big issue. It came clear to me that I did not have to look hard and if I wanted to go somewhere out of my house I could.
I got home eat and got into argument with my sister than my mother about doing laundry. I was still upset and did not want to hear any noise especially when both the washing machine and the dryer were a few feet from me. I wanted a piece of mind to think and be calm but not in this house. In the end they both had their ways and my head was filled with thoughts, from getting a job to going back to school. I was still pampering my resume making it its best for the eyes of the professional and no matter what I took from the resume book it can never be enough.